Ramblings, family, & blessings

This second blog entry is long overdue.  I really did have good intentions of keeping up with my ramblings so that my journal would be easy fun for my kids to read one day.  It’s daunting to “put yourself out there” as this blog needs to be.  But I’m not writing this for any, besides my children, who choose to read it. 

 So what is on my mind on this September day?  I realize that I’m completely affected by music and reading.  Since both of my tastes are leaning melancholy at this time, this blog is surely to be sentimental.  I hugged my kids extremely tight this week and vowed to play a certain song for them “someday”.  That someday being after they have their own children so I can laugh at their tears as they did to me and dad/sdad.

 I made the mistake of watching a bit of a celebrity fundraising marathon on tv in which the stars discussed their experiences with cancer while raising money to fight this horrendous disease.  As you know our family history with cancer, I suppose you might realize why I stopped on this particular channel. However, it was simply the only station that would come in focus on the TV in my classroom.  Taylor Swift came on with only a guitar player and sang this song…..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS7JrI-JPOc  To set the stage, I was in my classroom working late on a Friday night when this came on.  The tears came easily as one who is a parent only knows.  And then my door opened and the principal (my boss) came in to tell me I should go home and enjoy my weekend.  Embarrassment is an understatement as I tried to “look up and blink” to keep the tears from falling.  I didn’t think anymore about this song until I then heard the end of it on the radio.  Being the self-tormentor that I am, I “you-tubed” it and then learned the story behind the song.  I won’t even get into other than to say it involvs a blog, a boy named Ronan and the incredible story his mother blogged faithfully and honestly (http://rockstarronan.com) .  I caution you that if you choose to read it have a box of tissues.  The song is written with entirely words from this mother’s blog and if you download it from iTunes, half of the money will go to Rockstar Ronan’s cancer fighting foundation. 

 

But back to my story, I was playing the song on my computer and reading about it when Cole came in to see what I was doing.  The kids love music as much as I do and especially if there is a story behind it.  I simply said a little boy had cancer and this song was about him.  Having “my little man” with me, made me realize, as only small moments like that can, that life is so fragile and childhood so fleeting that I need to grab that small moment with everything I have.  Now if you know this little punk, you know there aren’t many quiet moments but he is so very sweet.  He sat on my lap and listened carefully and hugged me tight.  The girls came in during this moment and I quickly said “be quiet” so as not to ruin the moment but it wasn’t exactly ruined.  It did turn to hilarity in the blink of an eye as they started making fun of me crying even though they agreed it was a sad song and felt sorry for the little boy.  Then Bobby came in and asked what was going on and he instantly started crying as he listened to the song and all of the kids start laughing.  Yes, we’re a bunch of babies around here but I promised these girls that they will one day cry over of these things.  This must be my payback as I can remember staring at my mom during sad parts of movies just so I could laugh at her crying.  Yes, mom, I understand now.  But I can’t wait to play it for them, although I hope it’s another 20 years from now! lol

 

It is Saturday and a beautiful fall morning that is very quiet with only Cole at home.  I’ve spent a few of the early morning hours reading “Little Women”.  I’m on a kick to read only classic literature to check off my bucket-list items (shout out to Kathy F!).  The book is very enjoyable but it makes me sad because the love of family & siblings is so evident in every chapter and brings up the hurt of my own fractured family.  I miss my dad and all of his siblings that made family life so wonderful while I was growing up and now am sad that my own kids do not get the full effect of this because of situations beyond our control.  However, they do not know what they are missing as much as I do.  I am partly to blame, I know.  I get hurt and then just pull away from everyone.  This week has been especially so.  So many things are beyond my control and my struggle is to be accepting and know that in time things will be ok even though it won’t be as I wish it to be.  So many things have changed that will forever affect my family and there is no going back.  My dad taught us by example that one must give all to his family and my mom teaches us to give up to God to let Him handle our troubles.  In this teaching, I did something hard to reach out to try to fix what needs to be fixed.  Whether it did anything, I really can’t tell.  Only time will tell, I guess.  In the meantime, it feels much like flailing about at sea or caught up in a storm with no one to ground me. 

 

Feeling sorry for myself and much like I have no family (so maudlin, I know), but that is when the song at the beginning of this blog came to my attention.  It brought me up quick to realize what I do have in front me is quite a gift even though I wish for more.  I’m fortunate for loving kids who make me smile (and grumble, too, for where is the fun in easy sailing all the time?), a son who has randomly been throwing his arms around me and singing “come on baby, with me, we’re gunna fly away from here” to remind me of what’s right in front me, a husband who loves me at my worst (he gets a lot of practice), a job for each of us that provides for our family, friends who are loved as family, and knowledge that while even though my family is fractured now, if I truly needed them, each would be there in a heartbeat just as I would for them.  I guess my lesson is that I shouldn’t waste another day by keeping on with this sadness while I have so much joy beyond that.  While my heart hurts for everyone in my family and grieving for what is lost, I cannot change it. I can only accept and move on. God knows my troubles and my weaknesses.  So, enough of this sadness that I haven’t been able to shake off this week.  I may wish to be in the bay windows with the sunshine warming me as I rock in the chair today and relive happier memories of an easier time but I’ll need to just tuck those memories and wishes away for another day.   Instead I’ll hear my dad’s voice saying “It’s such a beautiful, sunshine-y day, Manners, get out and enjoy it!”  Or maybe it’s Cole’s voice hounding me to go to the Air Show. Either way the message is clear…..today is gift, that’s why it is called the present!   

PS: Cancer sucks.