You Know Why!

Ever seen the movie “What Happens in Vegas”?  This is a line from that movie that makes me laugh every now and then.  It has become a “Mincer-ism” as all three kids use it regularly, too.  You know, one of those family bonding moments that involves hitting a guy in the “privacy” and saying “You know why!”  Granted, we do not (usually) do the hitting part, but the little punk has taken his dad by surprise by doing this and screaming the line while running away.  Cruel, huh? We might have just a teeny-tiny bit of humor that is sick and twisted at our house.  Don’t judge.  Anyway, this line is heard in our home in all sorts of occasions.  And it’s great for coping with difficult people….but don’t REALLY do it, just visualize. 

Well, I don’t even know why I’m blogging today other than I want to get into a regular habit of doing so.  And I started this post in a completely random way but this week has actually been pretty uneventful so far.  My moods aren’t crazy (sometimes I think maybe medication is necessary) and the kids are doing wonderfully.  I had the longest giggling fit at the most inopportune time, though.   I read my mom’s Facebook status after I checked my phone before going to bed (at midnight….on a school night!).  It gave me such a good laugh….you know the kind that make you feel invigorated and that all is right with the world?  Except that it energized me so much that I didn’t fall asleep for another couple of hours that night.  (Maybe I should have tried something more interesting than playing Temple Run but a few mindless hours are necessary sometimes.)    Her status had to do with adult ADD which I don’t think she has as much as just having too many things going on in her head at one time.  I tried to read the status to my darling husband but I couldn’t do it.  Laughter overtook me every time!  But I was thinking how fun it is to be able to share that with him. 

That’s when I realized how special that time is between a husband and wife.  That’s such a small part of my day but I realize that it’s a BIG, important part of life to share small moments in the quiet of night just before falling asleep.  You know, when the kids are in their own beds, the dog is snuggled at my feet and it’s so quiet that you talk in whispers just because it seems appropriate.  It’s that moment when you realize that your spouse has your back no matter what and that any problems will be solved somehow.  Someone who lessens every burden by letting one talk, share fears, share the joys and most importantly, just being together, connecting for a moment before exhaustion kicks in.  Life is too busy all of the time.  I’m so scheduled to death that I have an agenda emailed to me daily and it’s synced with the girls’ iPods and Bobby’s phone so we can all be on the same page.  A bit OCD?  Maybe…but I gotta keep this stuff straight somehow.  Anyway, this one small moment of the day changes relationships.  I know that when I was in such a terrible mood all of last week, I look back and realize there was no connection like that. We were in different worlds and I didn’t want to be bothered in mine and he was busy with his other wife (the race car, in case anyone gets worried).  I’m not even sure I connected with my kids other than going through the motions.  But that connection isn’t realized until it’s gone.  My mom shared with me that it is one of the things that is hardest to deal with since my dad died.  I can't imagine that ache of wanting to share the day with my husband and knowing that I never will be able to again.  I have the opportunity to keep this ritual every night with my husband and yet I don’t always do it.  Laughing at the day, encouraging each other, hoping/dreaming about the future, praying, resolving problems or providing support and just listening to each other are rituals that should be a priority.  I can see that when “life gets in the way” and it’s just too exhausting some nights to do anything but fall into bed, the missing connection with your spouse will eventually eat away at the most important relationship of the whole family…..the marriage!  If I were honest with myself, I would say that last week was not one of the happiest weeks of our marriage, it wasn’t the worst, either. But who wants that?  I wanna go big, or go home.  So that one small moment, with my mom’s crazy status update, and having my love to share it with, did wonders for me, my mood and the entire house. That tiny ritual isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. It really is the little things that count the most.  So when I get in a mood and think that ritual isn’t worth anything, I need to hit myself and scream “You know why!”

Ramblings, family, & blessings

This second blog entry is long overdue.  I really did have good intentions of keeping up with my ramblings so that my journal would be easy fun for my kids to read one day.  It’s daunting to “put yourself out there” as this blog needs to be.  But I’m not writing this for any, besides my children, who choose to read it. 

 So what is on my mind on this September day?  I realize that I’m completely affected by music and reading.  Since both of my tastes are leaning melancholy at this time, this blog is surely to be sentimental.  I hugged my kids extremely tight this week and vowed to play a certain song for them “someday”.  That someday being after they have their own children so I can laugh at their tears as they did to me and dad/sdad.

 I made the mistake of watching a bit of a celebrity fundraising marathon on tv in which the stars discussed their experiences with cancer while raising money to fight this horrendous disease.  As you know our family history with cancer, I suppose you might realize why I stopped on this particular channel. However, it was simply the only station that would come in focus on the TV in my classroom.  Taylor Swift came on with only a guitar player and sang this song…..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS7JrI-JPOc  To set the stage, I was in my classroom working late on a Friday night when this came on.  The tears came easily as one who is a parent only knows.  And then my door opened and the principal (my boss) came in to tell me I should go home and enjoy my weekend.  Embarrassment is an understatement as I tried to “look up and blink” to keep the tears from falling.  I didn’t think anymore about this song until I then heard the end of it on the radio.  Being the self-tormentor that I am, I “you-tubed” it and then learned the story behind the song.  I won’t even get into other than to say it involvs a blog, a boy named Ronan and the incredible story his mother blogged faithfully and honestly (http://rockstarronan.com) .  I caution you that if you choose to read it have a box of tissues.  The song is written with entirely words from this mother’s blog and if you download it from iTunes, half of the money will go to Rockstar Ronan’s cancer fighting foundation. 

 

But back to my story, I was playing the song on my computer and reading about it when Cole came in to see what I was doing.  The kids love music as much as I do and especially if there is a story behind it.  I simply said a little boy had cancer and this song was about him.  Having “my little man” with me, made me realize, as only small moments like that can, that life is so fragile and childhood so fleeting that I need to grab that small moment with everything I have.  Now if you know this little punk, you know there aren’t many quiet moments but he is so very sweet.  He sat on my lap and listened carefully and hugged me tight.  The girls came in during this moment and I quickly said “be quiet” so as not to ruin the moment but it wasn’t exactly ruined.  It did turn to hilarity in the blink of an eye as they started making fun of me crying even though they agreed it was a sad song and felt sorry for the little boy.  Then Bobby came in and asked what was going on and he instantly started crying as he listened to the song and all of the kids start laughing.  Yes, we’re a bunch of babies around here but I promised these girls that they will one day cry over of these things.  This must be my payback as I can remember staring at my mom during sad parts of movies just so I could laugh at her crying.  Yes, mom, I understand now.  But I can’t wait to play it for them, although I hope it’s another 20 years from now! lol

 

It is Saturday and a beautiful fall morning that is very quiet with only Cole at home.  I’ve spent a few of the early morning hours reading “Little Women”.  I’m on a kick to read only classic literature to check off my bucket-list items (shout out to Kathy F!).  The book is very enjoyable but it makes me sad because the love of family & siblings is so evident in every chapter and brings up the hurt of my own fractured family.  I miss my dad and all of his siblings that made family life so wonderful while I was growing up and now am sad that my own kids do not get the full effect of this because of situations beyond our control.  However, they do not know what they are missing as much as I do.  I am partly to blame, I know.  I get hurt and then just pull away from everyone.  This week has been especially so.  So many things are beyond my control and my struggle is to be accepting and know that in time things will be ok even though it won’t be as I wish it to be.  So many things have changed that will forever affect my family and there is no going back.  My dad taught us by example that one must give all to his family and my mom teaches us to give up to God to let Him handle our troubles.  In this teaching, I did something hard to reach out to try to fix what needs to be fixed.  Whether it did anything, I really can’t tell.  Only time will tell, I guess.  In the meantime, it feels much like flailing about at sea or caught up in a storm with no one to ground me. 

 

Feeling sorry for myself and much like I have no family (so maudlin, I know), but that is when the song at the beginning of this blog came to my attention.  It brought me up quick to realize what I do have in front me is quite a gift even though I wish for more.  I’m fortunate for loving kids who make me smile (and grumble, too, for where is the fun in easy sailing all the time?), a son who has randomly been throwing his arms around me and singing “come on baby, with me, we’re gunna fly away from here” to remind me of what’s right in front me, a husband who loves me at my worst (he gets a lot of practice), a job for each of us that provides for our family, friends who are loved as family, and knowledge that while even though my family is fractured now, if I truly needed them, each would be there in a heartbeat just as I would for them.  I guess my lesson is that I shouldn’t waste another day by keeping on with this sadness while I have so much joy beyond that.  While my heart hurts for everyone in my family and grieving for what is lost, I cannot change it. I can only accept and move on. God knows my troubles and my weaknesses.  So, enough of this sadness that I haven’t been able to shake off this week.  I may wish to be in the bay windows with the sunshine warming me as I rock in the chair today and relive happier memories of an easier time but I’ll need to just tuck those memories and wishes away for another day.   Instead I’ll hear my dad’s voice saying “It’s such a beautiful, sunshine-y day, Manners, get out and enjoy it!”  Or maybe it’s Cole’s voice hounding me to go to the Air Show. Either way the message is clear…..today is gift, that’s why it is called the present!   

PS: Cancer sucks.